Christmas is so close now and i'm once again remembering the christmas of '94. we were together then. it's been the only christmas that i didn't spend alone. i miss her terribly.

Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to you
We always tried to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put you through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you
If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your hearts for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

PRECIOUS: depeche mode

murderous rage
anger, anger, anger
so much uncontrollable anger.
it's a constant battle to keep it down.
hiding it where no one can see.
like 2 people living inside me.

31 today.

Outside in the hall there’s a catfight
It’s well after midnight
I guess I’ll be allright
I’m laid out on the floor
Drunk and ppor
How much longer how much more

Rock me to sleep
Strong & deep.
The screaming cats they give me the creep
But aside from all that I feel no pain
Staring up at the ceiling stains
...neon in the window
...sirens far away
...news on the radio happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday

They’re at it again next door
This whole floor I swear
They’re out to drive me crazy
Not right now I’m high as a cloud I’m soft and gray and lazy
...neon in the window
...sirens far away
...news on the radio happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday

Fly me
Out the window.
Somewhere far away
Singing on the radio

---------------Happy birthday: CONCRETE BLONDE.--------------------

Oh so long for this night I prayed
That a star would guide you my way
To share with me this special day
Where a ribbon’s in the sky for our love

If allowed may I touch your hand
And if pleased may I once again
So that you too will understand
There’s a ribbon in the sky for our love

too much despair. it's becomimg so overwhelmimg it's hard to breathe or even stand up. is this what mary felt like? is this why she took her life? was she so beaten down by her own pain, that she couldn't bare to live? i wonder how long did she suffer before she finally gave in?
my strenght is slipping away.

My life suffocates
Planting seeds of hate
I’ve loved, turned to hate
Trapped far beyond my fate

I give
You take
This life that I forsake
Been cheated of my youth
You turned this lie to truth

Anger
Misery
You’ll suffer unto me

Harvester of sorrow
Language of the mad
Harvester of sorrow

Pure black looking clear
My work is done soon here
Try getting back to me
Get back which used to be

Drink up
Shoot in
Let the beatings begin
Distributor of pain
Your loss becomes my gain

Anger
Misery
You’ll suffer unto me

Harvester of sorrow
Language of the mad
Harvester of sorrow

All have said their prayers
Invade their nightmares
See into my eyes
You’ll find where murder lies

Infanticide

Harvester of sorrow
Language of the mad
Harvester of sorrow
Language of the mad
Harvester of sorrow

Harvester of Sorrow:Metallica

L told me she's leaving at the end of the year to go back to SF. i will miss her, nothing new about that. somehow i get the feeling either this is the last time i will ever see her or it will a very long time before i see her again. how could one person have such a hold on me? did i allow it too happen or was it totally out of my hands? my heart has been bonded to her since we were children. no one and nothing has ever taken her place. damn, am i going to be linked to her forever? will i be a slave to my heart always?

To the soul's desires
The body listens
What the flesh requires
Keeps the heart imprisoned

What the spirit seeks
The mind will follow
When the body speaks
All else is hollow

I'm just an angel
Driving blindly
Through this world

I'm just a slave here
At the mercy
Of a girl

Oh I need your tenderness
Oh I need your touch
Oh I dream of one caress
Oh I pray too much

To the soul's desires
The body listens
What the flesh requires
Keeps the heart imprisoned

What the spirit seeks
The mind will follow
When the body speaks
All else is hollow

You keep me waiting
For the promise
That is mine

Please stop debating
Please stop wasting
Your time

Oh I need your tenderness
Oh I need your touch
Oh I dream of one caress
Oh I pray too much

DEPECHE MODE - "When The Body Speaks"

I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight

Love has made me a fool
Set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
But you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

how come i don't have anyone? i thought by now i would be married, have a few kids. not sitting in this damned house alone. if this is my future, then i don't want to see the rest of it.

death would be welcomed to this misery.

i wish i could just hold you in my arms right now.

all these years i've spent without you, it's been like living in darkness.

why do i feel like Forrest Gump?

Now I never meant,
To do you wrong,
That’s what I came here to say.

But if I was wrong,
Then I’m sorry,
I don’t let it stand in our way.

As my head just aches,
When I think of,
The things that I shouldn’t have done.

But, life is for living,
We all know,
And I don’t wanna live it alone.


----------------------------Life is for living:COLDPLAY-----------------------------

i spent all day longing to hear your voice. i didn't. the last few days, i've only spent a few minutes with you, but i miss you so much.


In my happy home
I barely breathe
In my lovers arms
I find relief

And there's a sky that's changing
And a bird that sings
I never once in my wayward life
Was heading to run out

In my lovers arms I wait for morning
I beg my god to speak and tear me apart
I'd lay down my body I'd lay down my arms
I never once in my sweet short life meant anybody harm

In my happy home
I read the signs
In my lovers arms
I move in time
There's no more crying
And there's no more lies
I never once in my sweet short life
Was waiting for desire

And there's no more crying
And there's no more pain
I never thought for one second
I'd have nothing left but shame

In my happy home
I barely breathe
I never once in my wayward life
Was heading to run out

---------happy home:GARBAGE------------

almost forgot

today is Marissa's birthday. i wonder if i would recognize her?

Well, outside in the hall there's a catfight
It's well after midnight
I guess I'll be allright
I'm laid out on the floor
Drunk and ppor
How much longer how much more

Rock me to sleep
Strong & deep.
The screaming cats they give me the creep
But aside from all that I feel no pain
Staring up at the ceiling stains
...Neon in the window
...Sirens far away
...News on the radio happy birthday happy birthday happy
birthday

They're at it again next door
This whole floor I swear
They're out to drive me crazy
Not right now I'm high as a cloud I'm soft and gray and lazy
..Smoking Out the window,
...feeling far away
...News on the radio happy birthday happy birthday happy
birthday

Fly me
out the window.
Somewhere far away
News on the radio, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday.

i cannot remember a day in my life without pain. i don't what i would if all disappeared.

Sometimes we laugh like children
Go running holding hands
I never felt like this before,
I never will again
Sometimes we cry like babies
I hold you to my heart.
I just can’t stand to see you sad,
It tears me all apart

And we’re so afraid and it’s such a shame,
There is no reason we should doube it.
The things we want to say we’ver never said!
And we look away and it’s all ok and
Never really talk about it
It’s a shame the way we dance along the edge
Dance along the edge.

We always seem so careful,
We’re always so unsure.
Our past mistakes they make us shakey...eyes on the door.
When do we stop searching
For what we’re searching for?
Then when it comes, we question love and try for more!

And we’re happy here, but we live in fear
We’ve seen a lot of temples crumble.
Some of flesh and blood from love under glass.
Will we come undone? will we turn and run?
And will we know it when we find it?
It’s a game the way we dance along the edge.
And we’ll walk the line and we’ll do our time
For just as long as we’ve been given,
And pretend that we don’t hear the things they’ve said.
Can we promise love? is it all too much
And do our old souls still believe it?
It’s insane the way we dance along the edge.

---------------------------------Concrete Blonde:DANCE ALONG THE EDGE--------------------------------------------------------

Meri Kahani ...

Meri Kahani Mera Kissa ho tum
Meri Kahani Mera Kissa ho tum

Tumhe kaise bhula sakta hun
Kaise dil se mita sakta hun
Meri sason kaaaa .. hissa ho tum

Meri Kahani Mera Kissa ho tum
Meri Kahani Mera Kissa ho tum

Tumhe kaise bhula sakta hun
Kaise dil se mita sakta hun
Meri sason kaaaa .. hissa ho tum

Meri kahaniiii

Hum pyar ki dor se
bandhe bhi huein hain
tute bhi huein hain

Hum pyar ki dor se
bandhe bhi huein hain
tute bhi huein hai

aur haath se haath ye
mile bhi huein hain
chute bhi huein hain ..

hum saath hai per humsafar nahin
mere paas nahin .. to dur sahi ..
per meri to .. manzil ho tum

Meri Kahani Mera Kissa ho tum
Meri Kahani Mera Kissa ho tum

Tumhe kaise bhula sakta hun
Kaise dil se mita sakta hun
Meri sason kaaaa .. hissa ho tum

Meri Kahaniiii ..

Her khushi saath thi
mere tum the magar
ek pal mein tumhe kho diya

duriyan cha gayin
jaise badal koi ..
aasman ne bikher diya ..

hum dur hue the jaane kyun ...
hum dur hue the jaane kyun ...
ab paas hain to lagta hai yun ...
ki ek pal ka .. sapna ho tum .

Meri Kahani Mera Kissa ho tum
Meri Kahani Mera Kissa ho tum

Tumhe kaise bhula sakta hun
Kaise dil se mita sakta hun
Meri sason kaaaa .. hissa ho tum

Meri Kahani ...
Meri Kahani ...
Meri Kahani ...
Meri Kahani ...

4

Kitne Sitam Humpe Sanam Logon Ne Kiye
Dil Mein Magar Jalte Rahe, Chahat Ke Diye
Tere Liye, Tere Liye

3

hopelessly drift in the eyes of the ghost again
down on my knees and my hands in the air again
pushing my face in the memory of you again
but i never know if it's real never know how i
wanted to feel never quite said what i wanted
to say to you never quite managed the words to
explain to you never quite knew how to make
them beleivable and now the time has gone
another time undone hopelessly fighting the
devil futility feeling the moster climb deeper
inside of me feeling him gnawing my heart away
hungrily i'll never lose this pain never dream of
you again

one step closer

'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing

^^^^

another day gone by. had this overwhelming despair.........just pressing down on me. as usual.

Welcome to where time stands still
No one leaves and no one will
Moon is full, never seems to change
Just labeled mentally deranged
Dream the same thing every night
I see our freedom in my sight
No locked doors, no windows barred
No things to make my brain seem scarred

Sleep my friend and you will see
That dream is my reality
They keep me locked up in this cage
Can’t they see it’s why my brain says rage

Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Build my fear of what’s out there
And cannot breathe the open air
Whisper things into my brain
Assuring me that I’m insane
They think our heads are in their hands
But violent use brings violent plans
Keep him tied, it makes him well
He’s getting better, can’t you tell?

No more can they keep us in
Listen, damn it, we will win
They see it right, they see it well
But they think this saves us from our hell

Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Fear of living on
Natives getting restless now
Mutiny in the air
Got some death to do
Mirror stares back hard
Kill, it’s such a friendly word
Seems the only way
For reaching out again.