I Grieve

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there’s nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it’s just the way that you would tied in
now there’s no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
‘so hard to move on
still loving what’s gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can’t handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what’s gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that’s out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it’s just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve

" If it had been written, and thus deemed necessary, for the firstborn original sin to be redeemed by the suffering that, in the name of the mankind, was inflicted upon The Saviour, why was it, on the other hand, necessary to pay for this cleansing of the Human soul with another sin- the ungrattitude and crucifixion of that very Saviour?
The mankind, in its moment of redemption, through the very act of redempion itself, falls and sins again.
The sin redeemed with - a sin.
One sin replaced by another.
The superhuman sacrifice of the Christ becoming thus A PRIORI worthless...
And what happens if we induce this thought upon the human nature?...
If we use this thought of a doubt to read human history?..."

Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? …….What do you see?
What are you thinking……when you’re looking at me?
A crabby old man, ….not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ……..with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food…….and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice…..”I do wish you’d try!”
Who seems not to notice ….the things that you do.
And forever is losing ………….. A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not………..lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding …… The long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse……you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am ……. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, …..as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of Ten……with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters ……who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen ………..with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now. ………a lover he’ll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty ………my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows……..that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now ………. I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide …… And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ……… My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ……… With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons ……..have grown and are gone,
But my woman’s beside me……..to see ! I don’t mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ……… Babies play ’round my knee,
Again, we know children ……. My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me ………. My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ………..I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing …….young of their own.
And I think of the years…… And the love that I’ve known.
I’m now an old man………and nature is cruel.
‘Tis jest to make old age …….look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles……….grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone……..where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass …… A young guy still dwells,
And now and again …….my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys………….. I remember the pain.
And I’m loving and living………….life over again.
I think of the years …all too few……gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact……..that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ………open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer….see……..ME!!

i saw her last night. my god she is so beautiful. i hang on her every action, every word. too bad she doesn't even know i exist. to her i'm just one of the many people she meets during the day. i probably don't even .............................................oh what the hell. i'll never be what i want to be to her. i'm just a fucking loser. not worthy off her.

New blood joins this earth
and quikly he's subdued
through constant pain disgrace
the young boy learns their rules

with time the child draws in
this whipping boy done wrong
deprived of all his thoughts
the young man struggles on and on he's known
a vow unto his own
that never from this day
his will they'll take away

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub thee unforgiven

they dedicate their lives
to running all of his
he tries to please them all
this bitter man he is
throughout his life the same
he's battled constantly
this fight he cannot win
a tired man they see no longer cares
the old man then prepares
to die regretfully
that old man here is me

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub the unforgiven

you labeled me
I'll label you
so I dub the unforgiven

without love.
breath is just a clock ticking.

i being poor
have only my dreams.
i have spread my dreams under your feet.
thread softly,
because you thread on my dreams.

i think i will just end things. as soon as i get my affairs straightened out. i can't take living like this. always wanting what i can't have. never getting anything i want. enduring one failure after another. watching and feeling myself erode away with every disappointment. my soul has taken all it can. i want to still be recognizable as human when i pass, not the empty creature i'm becoming.

to kiss her.
feel her soft, warm skin.
her lips looks so perfect,
their shape, color.

why can't i crash my car and die? that way i wouldn't have to think about her or feel for her or desire her.

sorrow wears the face off happiness

i can't get her out of my sight
i see her everywhere.
she's imbedded in my soul
i wish she would just leave.
please leave.....................................................................

it's not that i've never seen anyone as beautiful as her. i've just never seen anyone with beauty like hers. flawless beauty.

i feel like i'm drowning in my own despair and there is no one to save me. all the hate, anger and love, all locked up inside. wasting away. causing me too rot.

sometimes i feel like i'm living someone else's life. i'm standing on the outside watching other people do all the things i should be doing. having all the things that should be mine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing